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Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
JERRY: Tonight on the Jerry Springer show we have a particularly interesting episode! Jocelyn is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend of hers Courtney. So everyone please put your hands together for Jocelyn!
Jerry: Okay, now Jocelyn you're here to talk about someone aren't you?
You: Yes.
Jerry: And what is this other persons name?
You: Blake.
The crowd SQUEALS with delight.
Jerry: Okay, okay, well Blake, is actually here tonight -
The crowd SQUEALS.
Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you Jocelyn, because as it happens there is someone else here to see YOU! So let's bring out... Natasha!
You: What the HELL!!!
Out of nowhere you pull out a knife. Natasha reaches for the toilet. Out of the shadows Travis appears.
Travis: Wait everybody wait!
Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First tell us why you're here Natasha.
Natasha: Because I saw Jocelyn and Travis making out at behind a fence!
The crowd goes absolutely INSANE.
Travis: That's a lie! I was home watching The Simpsons!
Jerry: (raising his hands) Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here...what exactly IS the problem Natasha?
Natasha: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with Courtney who has recently become engaged to Travis.
The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement.
Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring Courtney out here because Jocelyn had something that they needed to tell them anyway about... Blake that's right!
Courtney: (enters onto stage and saunters over towards you) What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with Blake! You know I'm how I feel about Blake!.
Travis: (screams) What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with Blake!
Courtney: Because I knew that I could never have Blake. But Jocelyn promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!
Travis: What about respect for MY feelings!
Natasha walks suddenly across the stage, embracing Courtney.
Natasha: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.
Again the crowd SQUEALS.
Travis: Oh my God! Are you SICK!
Travis runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly.
Travis: Jocelyn take me away from all of this!
You: You see? That's the thing...I'm...well, I'm married...
The crowd does its bit.
Travis: Married?
You nod.
Travis: Who the hell are you married to? When...when did this happen? I don't understand!
You: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to Blake.
Courtney: (screaming) WHAT!!!
Jerry: (grinning widely, makes an enquiry) So...did you have a nice wedding night?
Blake: (stepping back out onto center stage) Well we had sex 14 times if that's what you mean.
The crowd squeals.
Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight... Jocelyn is married to Blake who Courtney has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now Courtney has recently become engaged to Travis who was recently spotted kissing Jocelyn in the behind a fence. Now on top of this Natasha has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with Courtney.
Blake: That's right Jerry.
Jerry: (looking sternly into the camera) It is times like these that one has to wonder, whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks it's been great but for now...it's goodnight.
Queue cheesy background music and fade to black.
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