Adventures in Disneyland

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."

So they went home.

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All-Time Favorite Blonde Hijinx!

How do you keep a blonde busy? (see below) How do you keep a blonde busy? (see above)

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Ash Blonde

How did the blonde die raking leaves? She fell out of the tree!

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Bad Blondes, Whatcha Gonna Do?

A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops. "Yes," says the blonde. "Are their lights on?" The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."

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Bad Day Blondie

How do you know a blonde's having a bad day? Her tampon's behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

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Baking Chocolate Chip Cookies

How can you tell when a blonde has been baking chocolate chip cookies? There's M&M shells all over the floor.

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Beware the Blonde Terrorist

Did you hear about the blonde that tried to blow up her husband's car? She burned her lips on the tailpipe!

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Blond Father

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys. The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"

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Punchlines With Absolutely No Context

No, no, no! said the penguin, I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder! Surprise! Surprise! Thats not my ear canal either! Oh no! The leak is coming from the Global Positioning Satellite System again! Mommy Mommy, Little Johnny replied, is that why the soufflé is burnt? Tokyo? Said the nun, You fool, I said take the hoe! And then my dad farted and it smelled and I said to my father you farted and it smelled. And slowly, the sheep turned to each other and glared silently. Whew! said the blonde, I thought you meant the vacuum-insulated sealable container with the heat reflective inner surface! No wait, you dont understand, said the fat man, Pop Tarts are a substitute for my mothers love! As they opened the door they realized they were terribly mistaken. The dog was only taking a nap. Yeah, said the Scottsman, but at least I dont have a scented hand soap named after ME! As she spoke he whirled the egg beater around and yelled EGG BEATER! Isotope? He replied, Thats no isotope!

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Interrupting Cow

Knock, Knock. Who's there? Interrupting cow. Interrupting cow w--MOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

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One-Eyed Blonde

Two blondes are walking down the road when one says ''Look at that dog with one eye!'' The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says ''Where?'' * Hot Dog Guy walks into a restaurant. He sits down and this ugly waitress comes over. He then orders a hamburger with catsup and a hot dog. So five minutes later the waitress comes back with a plate with only a plain hamburger bun on it. So the man asks, Where's the burger? Then the waitress lifts up her arm and pulls out a burger from her armpit and says, I was keeping it warm. Disgusted he says, Please cancel my hotdog... * Ten things your wife won't say..   1. I'll swallow it all.. I love the taste. 2. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy. 3. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. 4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, and make an afternoon of it. 5. God, if I don't blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust! 6. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for you.. 7. Let's subscribe to Hustler. 8. Let's take pictures so your friends will believe you. 9. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see! 10.That was a great fart! Do another one! * Ways to Let Someone Know Their Fly is Open 20. The cucumber has left the salad. 19. I can see the gun of Navarone. 18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out. 17. You've got Windows on your laptop. 16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave. 15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now. 14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells. 13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position. 12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson... 11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal. 10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building! 9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod. 8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir! 7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage. 6. Dr. Kimble has escaped! 5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary." 4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction... 3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones. 2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it? 1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts. * Questions Not To Ask In Foreign Lands By Gerhard Reinke IRELAND Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it? FRANCE Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Arent the French just Germans who can make sauces? ITALY Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-Os! POLAND Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs? GERMANY Is this bratwurst kosher? TURKEY Wheres the hash at? Its cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds? KOREA Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him? CHINA This wall isnt so great. ENGLAND Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick? SWEDEN Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke? YEMEN Yemen? Thats a stupid name for a country. Whats it mean -- Land Of Fanatics And Dust' ? INDIA You dont live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here? ETHIOPIA After a long day of travel, Im famished. Hey those flies sure love your pregnant son! CANADA Youre like Americans without money. SPAIN So, this is the country thats not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos? SOUTH AFRICA I liked it better the other way. MEXICO What's that smell? SAUDI ARABIA Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car? Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what? RUSSIA Is it always this cold and economically devastated? UZBEKISTAN Can you spell Uzbekistan? GREECE I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy." AFGHANISTAN Seriously, where is the real country where is everything? JAPAN Whats Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi? AUSTRALIA How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure? AMERICA Was John Wayne gay? *   10 Reasons to Date a Hockey Player 1. They always wear protection 2. They have great hands 3. They are used to scoring 4. They have great stamina 5. They find the opening and get it in 6. They never miss the target 7. They know how to use their wood 8. They have long sticks 9.They know when to play rough 10. Because baseball players only know how to hit balls.